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Troubled Transitions: A Challenge and an Opportunity, A Statement by The Orthodox Caucus

Posted on 3:49PM September 22, 2004

We recognize that a subtle balance needs to be struck between validating the lifestyles and choices of unmarried Jews, while simultaneously promoting an awareness and appreciation of the importance of married and family life. We must all understand the complexities of single life, which may be transitional or permanent: many people postpone marriage for a variety of reasons- education, financial independence, career changes - and therefore expectations must change.

TO THE COMMUNITY:
Single people should be respected as whole individuals with interests and accomplishments apart from their marital or dating status. They should be embraced by the community, included at Shabbat meals, on Boards of institutions and as dinner honorees. They should be made to feel welcome at community social events and their families' tables alongside their married siblings, and they should not be abandoned by their married friends. We must actively examine socialization and dating practices: are singles today adopting unhealthy, self-defeating habits? With the increasing array of virtual dating options, avenues exist today that were not available in years past; but just because one door opens, does not mean we should close another. Events should be conducive for people to meet one another: be it a wedding, or a lecture or social volunteerism, we as a community, should not unnecessarily segregate the sexes.

TO THE LEADERSHIP:
Empower single people to be more involved in community life; they are a source of creativity, productivity, support, and energy that should be fully appreciated in all areas of Jewish life. In addition, provide informal settings and natural venues for single people to meet. Encourage the community as a whole to be involved in these issues.

TO THE SINGLES:
Don't wait until you are married to be involved in religious life: become active in your community and confront the challenges and difficulties that are presented by the confluence of relationships, career and religion. Be open to the reality of the choices before you. Create your own opportunities for dating. Be open-minded. Remember that at the core of a marriage is a relationship. Dating should not be about a checklist of characteristics in a potential mate, but about whether you can share a moment, share an experience, and talk comfortably with the other person. Sure, you may have differences, but are they irreconcilable? Relationships require flexibility to handle the inevitable curves life will bring.

FOR ALL OF US:
In the current climate, where the fleeting nature of life is so apparent, it is more important than ever to help people find shared happiness and a sense of belonging. Perhaps if we all modeled an appreciation for life then we wouldn't have to worry about solutions to loneliness and lack of fulfillment. This is not just a message for singles: it is for parents AND children; husbands AND wives; boyfriends AND girlfriends.

Hashem gives us all challenges in life; if we fight them we can't but lose. It is about how we react to those challenges and whether we can turn them into opportunities: for choice, for growth, for life. What will you do about it?

SUGGESTIONS:
Here are just a few of the ways the OC plans to follow up to catalyze the community to act and how you can get involved:
* Talk about these issues with your friends and family.
* Send letters to the editors of your local papers.
* Open your homes to singles on Shabbat and Yom Tov.
* Start an event for your shul or community where people can meet one another.
* Be mindful of language. We should be careful to use sensitivity when we speak.
* Start a big brother/ big sister program in your synagogue, in which kids of single parent families have a "buddy" to sit with in shul.
* Become a thoughtful matchmaker. Set up single people on dates.
* Establish workshops for informal matchmaking at your synagogue.
* Encourage schools, parents, shuls to focus on social education for adults and children. Utilize the growing library of books on communication skills.
* Encourage the community to examine segregation of sexes at communal events and personal simchas.
* Visit our website regularly and participate in the ongoing search for solutions.