Orthodox. Single. Oy Vey. by Rabbi Shmuel Goldin and Rabbi Josh Joseph
Posted on 1:59PM September 24, 2004
All the lonely people,where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
where do they all belong?
--THE BEATLES--
Why are there so many single Orthodox Jews? Perhaps we can point to the amplified tension surrounding courtship and marriage or to the disappearance of normal, natural ways for people to meet. Some people delay marriage due to concerns about career, education or finances. Others find that the new "rules and regulations" which have emerged on the dating scene limit their possibilities. Whatever the causes, one thing is certain: we as a community have not done enough to address the root issues that contribute to and surround the "Singles Phenomenon." To be fair, we have also added to the loneliness of single people - through lack of acceptance, implicit or explicit.
These are concerns not only for singles, but also for the entire Jewish community. We are dealing with our future, with the health of a generation of observant Jews. Whether we personally are married or not, we should be concerned.
At the Orthodox Caucus our goal is to move the community towards action on these issues. To that end, we offer the following essays as a glimpse of the complex mosaic that comprises the Singles Phenomenon. In an attempt to reflect the diverse, growing singles population we have called upon a variety of people to share their insights. The authors presented here are a microcosm of our community. They are rabbis, teachers, parents, social workers, mental health professionals and people who have dedicated their lives to this issue. They also include singles from all walks of life not only people in their 20's or 30's, but single parents who are widowed or divorced, or older people who have never been married. The goal of this compilation is to make each of us think - and think differently - about a situation that touches all of our lives either directly or tangentially. Our objective is to implement a change in attitude among synagogues, organizations, schools, and families which will enable single people of all ages to feel included in the Orthodox community, and to pursue courtship in a natural, friendly, less tension-filled way.
And while there appears to be sharp disagreement among the essayists, striking themes emerge in the pages before you. Many singles have not been able to get married despite their wishes otherwise. Some feel alienated by the Orthodox community, sometimes losing the will to live an observant life. Others are tired of being pitied; instead, they would prefer people's acceptance, encouragement and maybe even a thoughtful effort to set them up on a date. We urge you to spend some time with these essays. Many of the authors have courageously shared their stories and have offered ways for us to improve - concrete fashion - upon circumstances which are troubling to so many. Think about these words and share them with your friends and family.
This publication, however, is only a first step. Instead of worrying about what someone else can do, each of us needs to get involved. Our shared challenge is to implement practical, concrete changes. Your thoughts and ideas can help us turn these words into real change: change that will improve individual people' lives; change that will strengthen the fabric of our community now and into the future. On the last page you will find some ideas for moving forward.We hope you will also join the discussion this website. Together we can let all Jews know that though they may be lonely, they are not alone.
Rabbi Shmuel Goldin of Congregation Ahavath Torah in Englewood, NJ is also an instructor of Bible at Yeshiva University. Rabbi Josh Joseph is the Executive Director of The Orthodox Caucus.
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Thursday, September 23, 2004: gm wrote…
If you are actively trying to meet someone it’s possible to find someone.
Friday, September 24, 2004: RadioRadio wrote…
There is a general feeling in America today that marriage is an antiquated institution from an era long ago when women were property and men would buy them through marriage.
I’m inclined to think that many singles today are of the same opinion, plus with the busy schedules young professionals keep, it’s not possible to devote the right amount of time to a marriage. That’s also why so many marriages fail, why kids are messed up (no time for parenting)... something needs to change.
Monday, September 27, 2004: rshl wrote…
I think the effort and idea is interesting and thought provoking. I’m not sure my community will answer “Hinei”. I have now read this 3X and applaud the effort.
I also draw your attention to the Jewish Journal of LA. They have a singles column every week I read it religiously- it is sometimes humorous, sad but always well written and creative- this column adds more to the discussion - please look at the archives for the past year (http://www.jewishjournal.com).
Wednesday, September 29, 2004: consrab wrote…
Until our Rabbinic community opens its collective eyes to resolve this problem, all of us are facing a dismal future. All the articles you write in good faith do absolutely little or nothing to resolve the problem.
I have tried to address the serious problem of Jewish singles for the past 20 years but usually my remarks have fallen on deaf ears - including my fellow members of the NY Board of Rabbis.
I have asked our Orthodox colleagues to open their shuls on Sunday afternoons or evenings so that young Jewish singles could meet in a kosher and warm environment over coffee, tea and cake instead of having to wend their way to bars and treife places.
Regrettably, my Orthodox chaverim do not respond favorably. They
told me they are afraid of mixed dating, of Reform Jews (chas v’shalom!) coming into an Orthodox shul, of non-Jews responding to singles notices, etc. A thousand and one reasons. And 42% of our young Jews are remaining single!!!
Let me share with you a personal heartache. I am a Conservative Rabbi married to an Orthodox woman and our home has always been halachically observant. My wife and grown children worship in the local Orthodox shul.My younger daughter is 37, never married,a member of an Orthodox shul, observant of Shabbat, kashrut, etc. She is an Assistant District Attorney with a doctorate. She desperately wants to marry an observant Jewish man under the age of 40.
People have told her to go to the West Side of Manhattan. She went several times and found nothing or no one, only cliques of perpetual seekers. People have told her to go to Rebbetzin Jungreis. She went several times and found no one. She went to 6 shadchanim, paid steep fees, had several mismatched dates, and ended frustrated. She tells the shadchanim what she wants: an observant Jewish male under the age of 40, preferably never married, college graduate, who wants marriage and children.
The dates they supplied her with were with non-observant men, several over the age of 50 (!!!!) and most with little education and no solid work record. She went to Amuka in Israel 3 times. She prayed at the graves of tzaddikim. Without results. In 1990 she met with the late Lubavitcher Rebbe who gave her a blessing and assured her of a marriage within 2 years. 14 years later and she is still unmarried. Everyone has “answers” but they are not the right answers.
Rabbi Tendler is a great talmid chacham but he appears to know little about life in our young people’s society. Young people are choosing to live together without marriage. Today, it seems, everything goes. Morals and values are out the window. And it is across the board for Orthodox and Conservative Jews alike who reject intermarriage and the “ethos” of our society.
So, until our Rabbinic community opens its collective eyes to resolve this problem, all of us are facing a dismal future. All the articles you write in good faith do absolutely little or nothing to resolve the problem, Pitchu shaarei tzedek… open up the synagogues and let young singles meet, mate and marry. And halevai, may my beloved daughter be among them. Ken yehi ratzon.
Saturday, October 9, 2004: Bechirah wrote…
Just to inform everyone......to add to the above problem!!! Imagine not only being Modern Orthodox but also a Jew of Color!!! Just think how empty your dating card might be!!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2004: notShai wrote…
Consrab- I share your frustration for your daughter and other singles. If she did all that and still didn’t find anyone, she may be too picky.
You make this singles issue to be so grand, it isn’t, it’s simple.
I am 31, great looking, with a Masters, a nice job, modern orthodox, and I would consider going out with someone who is conservative. I live on the upper west side of manhattan, and also have sought help from tzadikim (rabbis who give blessings), and I am also still alone. Why? We Jews are too stuck up, too snobby, too self admiring. We choose to not settle on a partner because we think we are better than everyone else. We are also not the best-looking bunch of people, and most of us don’t take care of ourselves physically: we don’t workout (I do), we eat too much kugel and get fat, and we always complain. Look at non-Jews- they take it easy, they watch their looks, they do well. We see them and think we can find an equivalent Jewish counterpart. Fat chance.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004: Tuvia wrote…
Consrab’s post really struck a chord. And the subsequent post by Bechirah was something I could identify with. You see, I’m a Cohen, and just as a “Jew of Color” is faced with the challenge of meeting somebody who will accept them, I am restricted by halacha. In addition, I’m in my mid 40’s, divorced with a teenage son in my custody (great kid, B"H), and work in the national security domain which limits me to US citizens as the only pool of women...no Canadians, no Israelis, no Russians, no dual citizens, and preferably US born...American citzens only need apply.
I gave a wry chuckle seeing what Consrab’s daughter has experienced. For the record, the dates I have gone on, I have found nothing but a pool of mental health problems, narcissim, or indifference to actually committing to even seeing if there’s some potential. I have a female physician friend, divorced, a brilliant woman, who will happily validate all of Consrab’s daughter’s experiences....the men are social and economic failures, and intellectually weak, to boot.
When I was first divorced, I thought meeting somebody would be a cinch...was I deluded! I mean, I make a six figure income, I’m well educated, I have a career I love, I have a wonderful home, I’m athletic, and I’m an awesome chef (IMHO!), a proven parent, plus I learn. In addition, I would like to have more kids. And I like to believe I’m a pretty nice guy....What’s there not to like?
The women who are eligible will not consider moving from NY (I live in a frum community outside Washington DC, a place I love). Somehow, there’s a perception that exile to Siberia would be more desirable then leaving NY...what a limited vision of the world! (I’m tied to this area professionally and because of my kids) Then there are the women who intentionally sabotage the possibility of a relationship...too busy is a common one. They say they want to get married, but somehow, their professional and social obligations get in the way. Of course, why get married when your making a six figure income, living in a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper West Side… who wants to give that up for a mortgage on a home in suburbia, a minivan, a few kids, and $50+K in day school tuition, and give up the career, to boot.
My biggest issues are misinterpretations of halacha. Nearly every woman I’ve met that actually seemed to be on the ball also had a history that she was more than willing to share, either explicitly or implicitly. Of course, it’s not only the Baalei Teshuva, it’s the Rabbeim who continue to take an absurdly strict interpretation of the halacha on this matter. Better the cohanim remain unmarried than establish responsa that deal head on with a real crisis.
Then there’s the issue of hashgafa and family minhagim. If my Shabbat tablecloths have blue in them and the woman’s family uses pure white...we have a problem. No match there...hmm, a Modox guy with chassidishe leanings dating the daughter of a Yeshivishe man...G-d forbid, she might as well have married a non-Jew! How about this one: I work to defend this great country which has been a blessed place for Jews to live...I’ve served in the military and have spent most of my civilian life developing the technologies to keep us safe...I was recently told by a woman that I cannot possibly be that good a Jew if I’m such an American patriot!
Of course, some of the women I have met who are kosher for a cohen have had severe mental health problems...one woman came down to visit me (I paid her way) and while on the train, cold-called one of my best friends’ and asked him out on a date...never met him, and was coming down to meet me! Or the women who told me that if they are to get involved with me, I would have to hire a full-time nanny to raise my son so he no longer “interferes” in my life! Talk about narcissm! Is it any wonder why these women are Cohen-eligible into their forties? One of the best ones was a woman in her late forties who still lived with her parents and slept with her teddie bears...she was still a child...never held a long term job, never met anybody, and never left home.
In theory, the rabbis need to attack this problem, but they have time and again proven they won’t. Never mind that Jews are dying or intermarrying faster than they are being born. There are more and more single Jews out on the streets, and more and more are choosing intermarriage. Ultimately, the people who are concerned about this crisis will have to take the bull by the horns and solve it...that means US!
We can sit here and whine about the problem and write articles, or we can be leaders in solving the problem… If the rabbeim won’t open their shuls for events, then we need to make our own venues for regular singles activities...establish trips, get speakers, whatever. Be creative. Historically, it’s the grassroots that effect change, never the leaders. Write the dating sites to push for changes in halachic interpretation...find rabbeim who will act to help solve the problems. We need to make it clear that controlled activities with the opposite sex are both good and necessary ...it’s necessary to prepare young men and women for learning how to interact with each other...i would say that’s a prerequisite for marriage. Then we may actually see some progress.
Anyway, enough of my soapbox for now...of course, there’s always more to discuss...I would be happy to post more if anybody is interested.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004: sak2 wrote…
RadioRadio suggests a blanket heter on premarital sex and birth control. On what halachic standards would this heter be based upon? Certainly not the Talmud, Shulchan Aruch, Rambam, Tur or any halachic source I can think of. This type of activity (pre marital sex) would be labeled zenut (prostitution) in these sources. How, exactly, would this heter help Jewish singles get married? Why would men need to get married if most of their needs are fulfilled by this heter? What would single Jewish women get out of this heter, a frum type of sex and the city situation? Why would this solve the singles crisis? I think it would it worsen it.
Monday, October 18, 2004: 1234 wrote…
The reason the singles problem nowadays is so bad is only because everyone is so picky. They don’t want a certain type of hat or jacket. Does that really show you who the person is on the inside?? Some people don’t even want to go out on dates based on this information. Did you talk to me? Do you even know if I’m smart? If the singles today would make a bigger issue of charachter, personality, the way another human is treated and less on clothing, or looks, the single situation would definitly look much better.
Thursday, October 21, 2004: um, no wrote…
Dear Tuvia,
You sound like a wonderful person,
but, no, I do NOT believe that any orthodox rabbi has
a policy of don’t ask, don’t tell, when it comes to
dating or marrying a cohen. This simply does not fit in
with many halachot of cohanim.
Wednesday, November 3, 2004: anonymous wrote…
I very much appreciated the responses of notShai and Tuvia. I think they
represent the very best in young traditional Jews seeking what we “older”
folks call “marital bliss”. Believe me, after 45 years of marriage I’m
deeply in love with my wife. And I knew her only 6 days before we married. I
pray that there is hope for Tuvia and notShai and my beloved daughter among
others seeking their bashert.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004: Sarah wrote…
In response to the Cohen of Oct 12, 2004 and consrab, I too share many of their concerns regarding my single 31 year old son. My son is a Cohen, a B.T. and Lubavitch. He is handsome and kind, a college graduate with a career, and a loving son, brother and uncle. My husband & I raised our three children as Reform Jews in a small town in the Midwest. They all became Orthodox through Chabad. Our daughters are happily married, however our son is having a very difficult time. He will treat his wife like a Queen. He is willing to live almost anywhere and to begin his career over, to fully support his family or to work part time & share child care or to be a house husband & yet he is still struggling to find a wife.
Consrab suggests that the Rabbis open the shuls to singles. My son-in-law is the Rabbi for a Chabad where he and his wife and small children have the shul in their home. Singles meet over warm and friendly Shabbos & holiday meals. My daughter is training students to do hospital visits to the sick which is a natural way for singles to meet. Such programs are effective in helping singles to meet.
The following solutions may help my son and others to find someone:
1.Support groups financially who help singles to meet in a warm and friendly environment.
2. Be open to dating Jews from Orthodox groups other than your own- as long as you agree on important issues, the differences in philosophy are far less important than spending your life alone.
3. A parents’ forum to support each other & to discuss the possibilities of our singles meeting one another.
4. Parents of singles over 28 and their children must be realistic and not insist on a list of absolutes for future spouses.
Monday, March 7, 2005: BaruchAtta wrote…
Hey, why is it that singles get all of the attention? Like married people don’t have problems too? All of this whine and cry by singles can be solved very easily, if they want. Most have met dozens of eligible mates.
I for one am rather fed up with all of this. “Get a life” should be their motto. Grow up and move on with life. I say - only depressing people are depressed. Only boring people are bored. Only lonely people are lonely.
Oh, sure, we people with our own lives in some sort of order can help out those other lost souls who can’t seem to find themselves, let alone a mate. But let’s go about it in a normal, calm manner, not raising the hue and cry of a crisis, which it is not.
Thursday, April 7, 2005: weinfeld wrote…
I was married for ten years, three sons, divorced and remarried three years later, married for one year and divorced again. Both men not mentally well (one was paranoia, rage attacks, second was bi-polar). Dated 24 men before the second marriage and said no to 23. Men have scorecards how much you add up to with money, looks, kids, obligations, etc. They seem to just be looking for someone that will take obligations off their hands. Right now I am single again and feeling great with no plans to remarry. My mom is a geyores and her brother who is an Irish Catholic tells me, “You are dating a pool of such losers, the probability of you finding someone on your level is about nill.” I am an accomplished professional, I write in my spare time and have a great relationship with my three sons. My life right now is complete.