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Get answers to questions such as How do I help my child choose the right place of study? What if my child gets homesick and wants to come home- How should I handle this? My child has sprung the "shana bet question." How should I approach his/her desire to stay a second year?... CLICK HERE FOR DOWNLOADABLE PDF FORMAT Parents_Israel_Guide.doc PARENTS' GUIDE TO THEIR CHILD'S YEAR IN ISRAEL: ISSUES AND QUESTIONS By Rabbi Dan Jacobson, Psy.D. I. Before students go to Israel for a Year 1. My child has many classmates who are going to study in Israel next year. The idea sounds appealing to me, but I'm not really clear what it's all about? 2. How do I help my child choose the right place of study? 3. I want my child to grow and be inspired during his/her year in Israel, and also return embracing my values regarding Israel and the secular world. Is there anything I can do to facilitate this? 4. While I am aware of the many benefits of the year in Israel I am also concerned about the stress it might place on my child. 5. My child has been in therapy for psychological issues during high school. Should I tell the Israeli yeshiva? II. During the Year in Israel 1. What if my child gets homesick and wants to come home? How should I handle this? 2. I feel that my child is starting to change. Is there anything I can/should do to monitor the process and ensure that it is done in a healthy manner? 3. Should I provide a cell phone for my child while he/she is in Israel? 4. How can I be involved in my child's choice of coursework and learning? 5. I have never experienced what my child is going through. What can I do to help us feel connected? III. After Students Return From the Year in Israel 1. I feel like my child has "flipped out." What should I do? 2. How should I handle all the changes, even the ones I don't like? 3. My child has sprung the "shana bet question." How should I approach his/her desire to stay a second year? 4. After studying in Israel, my child wants to change his college plans. How should I react? 5. Should I worry if my child won't socialize with the opposite sex? I. Before students go to Israel for a Year: Issues and Questions 1. My child has many classmates who are going to study in Israel next year. The idea sounds appealing to me, but I'm not really clear what it's all about? There is no single "year in Israel" experience; rather, there is a wide array of programs available. Nonetheless, there are certain common benefits of study in Israel. Most directly, it is a uniquely focused experience of growth in Torah learning. The immersion in Jewish living in a Jewish country intensifies the student's dedication and passion about being a Jew, as well as his/her connection to the land of Israel. Independent of Jewish considerations, a year's break before continuing onto college often brings a measure of maturity that improves the college experience. Some preparatory high schools, such as England's Eton College (of royal family fame), encourage students to embark on a year of discovery before entering university. While a significant majority of students experience the above benefits, there are potential challenges as well. These are discussed extensively below. For extended discussions of this topic, see articles by Dr. Shalom Berger and Rabbi Jay Goldmintz listed under the category of "Related Articles" Israel Guide home page on this site. 2. How do I help my child choose the right place of study? There are multiple factors to consider in choosing a place of study. Size/Personal Attention: The operative principle is "chanoch lanaar al pi darko," (Mishlei 22:6) educate each child in accordance with his/her specific needs. The fact that a yeshiva was right for an older sibling, cousin, or friend does not make it right for your child. For one student, personal attention is critical to his/her psychological and emotional growth. For another, a more flexible environment provides a refreshing contrast to high school's tight structure and promotes maturation and self-confidence. Hashkafa/Values: Consider what your vision is regarding Torah study, the State of Israel, the Jewish people, and secular studies. Share your thoughts with your child, and listen attentively to his/her perspectives. Engaging in this discussion will reinforce your values to your child, promote mature thinking, and help you gain clarity in finding the right program for your child. Israeli programs vary widely in their curriculum and philosophy of Judaism. To paraphrase Sy Syms, an educated consumer will be the happiest customer. Fortunately, there are many avenues for researching the options. Speak with the high school Israel guidance counselor, parents of alumni in your community, and alumni themselves about their experiences. For in-depth information on these factors and others that you and your child should consider, please see the highly informative profiles of post-high school Israel programs on this site. 3. I want my child to grow and be inspired during his/her year in Israel, and also return embracing my values regarding Israel and the secular world. Is there anything I can do to facilitate this? Yes. Open communication is crucial in this regard. The discussion of values and religious perspectives should occur both before and during the year in Israel. It is critical that such discussion be bi-directional conversations rather than lectures. By listening to your child's thoughts, you will accomplish many things: A. You will strengthen your child's confidence in his/her ability to formulate opinions. B. Your attentiveness models the mature capacity to respect differing perspectives. C. You will deepen your relationship with your child as well as his/her respect of your opinions. D. You will increase the likelihood that your child will share religious and developmental issues with you in the future. Your goal should not be to prevent change altogether. A healthy 18 year-old is constantly changing and developing. Rather, the goal is to facilitate a successful growth process, in which your input is valued. In addition to open discussions and helping your child choose his/her program, there are more long-term factors that can facilitate the transmission of your values. Expose your child during high school to some of the inspiring aspects of the year in Israel. This has several benefits. First, it will ease the transition into the Israel experience. Second, it provides more continuity between his/her pre-Israel experiences and the year in Israel. This, in turn, decreases the likelihood that your child will feel that growing spiritually necessitates rejection of parental values. There are many things that can be done over the long term toward this end. Consider starting a learning project in your home, learn weekly with each child, sing a zemer at your shabbos table, and assess whether your halachic observance appears consistent or selective to your children. Encourage your child's connection with a rabbi/educator (perhaps your congregational rabbi) whom you respect as a role model for your child. Explain the reasoning behind family minhagim to establish a firmer bond with your customs. By increasing the explicit spiritual content of family life, a parent will: A. Foster the impression that the year in Israel is an opportunity to intensify the child's commitment to the family's values, rather than reject them; and B. Conversely, ensure that there is not a tension or - worse - a contradiction between what the child sees at home and what he/she sees in Israel. 4. While I am aware of the many benefits of the year in Israel, I am also concerned about the stress it might place on my child. The stresses of study in Israel should not be ignored. Our children tend to have an overly idealized vision of the year in Israel. This emanates in part from excitement about leaving home for the "freedom" of Israel, and in part from seeing older students returning from their year of study happy and excited. While the year in Israel experience is very positive for most, it is not without its bumps. Research has found that every academic transition creates stress and psychological turmoil. While this is generally true for the transition to junior high school, high school, and college, it is even more likely when a student travels abroad to an intense yeshiva environment. To ease this transition discuss these stresses and share your child's excitement, but also predict and normalize the difficulty that may come during the initial transition. 5. My child has been in therapy for psychological issues during high school. Should I tell the yeshiva/ seminary? This is a complicated and sensitive issue. For a student who has had psychological difficulties, study in Israel entails particular challenges. It is not wise to send your teen to Israel hoping for a "holy land cure" for "at risk" behavior or mental illness. This does not mean that students with such issues should not go, but it does require careful deliberation and planning for appropriate support systems. Discuss the issue with your child's therapist or psychiatrist and get a referral to consult with an Israeli therapist experienced in working with American students. Your child may feel that this is an opportunity for a fresh start, and he/she may be right. At the same time, if your child has been in therapy during 12th grade, the time in Israel is probably not ideal for diminishing support systems. Parents should provide encouragement to their child that he/she can handle the upcoming challenge while simultaneously providing a safety net for him/her, in order to ensure healthy functioning. An open discussion with prospective yeshivas during the application process is generally the best approach. Many Israeli yeshivas report with great frustration the handicapping experience of struggling to help a student, only to learn later about psychological problems of which they were never informed. If you are uncomfortable recording certain information on the application, discuss the issue verbally with the appropriate individual at the yeshiva, and request that it be handled with discretion. It is a valid concern that revealing such information may impact the child's acceptance at some institutions. At the same time, a yeshiva that is uncomfortable accepting such a student with such issues (based on his/her strengths) may not be the supportive framework that your child needs. For more specific information relevant to your child's situation, speak to your rabbi and someone at your child's high school who knows him/her well. Both have dealt with these situations numerous times, and can provide guidance in navigating the terrain. II. Issues That May Arise During the Year in Israel 1. What if my child sets homesick and wants to come home? How should I handle this? Consider a number of factors: What time of year is it? It is quite normal for the beginning of the year (pre-Sukkot) to be a time of difficult transition and sometimes depressing. Students need their space in adjusting; however, if the problems continue further into the year, probe deeper. What specifically is causing your child to be unhappy? Does he/she dislike the people, the program, the country? Does they miss the family? Is he/she unaccustomed to the beit medrash schedule? Or is it something more? Does your child have a history of psychological issues, including depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior, or an eating disorder? If so, the situation requires more careful attention. Is he/she grappling with philosophical issues that often arise at this stage of life? Has he/she found the right rebbe or mentor with whom to discuss these issues? If the philosophical questioning is accompanied by extended emotional discord, consider the possibility of underlying mental health needs. Do you feel that someone at the yeshiva understands the nature of the problem and is actively addressing it? Many yeshivas care for their students like their own children and have a wealth of experience with young adults. They can be successful in carefully monitoring problems and referring students for psychological/psychiatric help when necessary. Quite a few programs also consult regularly with mental health professionals. At the same time, many rebbeim/educators are not formally trained in mental health issues and may sometimes, with the best of intentions, fail to identify a serious problem. One student related that he spoke with several rebbeim and mentors in his yeshiva about his painful struggle with intrusive thoughts. Eventually, he self-referred to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed him with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and treated him successfully. Some high schools have representatives in Israel who can offer some support outside the yeshiva. It is worth noting that the same question comes up in other settings as well. Parents should recall how they responded when their children called from summer camp complaining, or consider how they would handle it if their child called from college with the same issues. 2. I went to Israel to visit my child and I feel that he/she is starting to change. Is there anything I can/should do to monitor the process and ensure that it is done in a healthy manner? This issue is addressed later in the document, in Section III: After students return from the year in Israel. 3. Should I provide a cell phone for my child while he/she is in Israel? In this day and age, it is hard to imagine sending one's child without a cell phone. Many American students in Israel have found out about a terrorist attack through a call from parents on their cell phone. In this sense, cell phones are a great blessing to parents and their children (whose parents feel more relaxed knowing they can be reached after a terrorist incident). Cell phones have also helped to circumvent one of the most frustrating aspects of the year in Israel experience. It was not long ago that students stood with their ear glued to a phone spouting the Bezek phone company recording: "Hello, the international phone line is presently busy… Shalom, albadulak d'ullah ma'shlulalan." While learning a little Arabic was certainly informative, time can certainly be better spent. There are, however, a number of reasons to circumscribe the use of cell phones. While each family should discuss the parameters they feel comfortable with, some general thoughts regarding the pitfalls of cell phone use may be useful. Psychologist Dr. Dodi Tobin interviewed a number of Israeli educators who described the negative impact the instant connection can have on a successful adjustment. (http://www.atid.org/journal00/tobin.doc) Indeed, research (described at length below) has found the happiness of individuals studying abroad correlates with their assimilation into the foreign culture. Connecting with a complicated passage in the Gemara or experiencing a meaningful tefillah is best accomplished without interruption. With all due respect to parents, it may be a let down to a student when the cell phone ringing at the Kotel is not a response from above, but a parent wondering where he/she is. On a more practical note, cell phones can be a major expense if their use is not limited. In truth, the cell phone question relates to any child leaving home, whether for Israel or for college. While a parent should have reasonable access to their child, it is normal for the child to expect a longer leash than they had in high school. 4. How can I be involved in my child's choice of coursework and learning? The most significant way to be part of this process is to research and discuss the different options with your child during his/her junior year or early in the senior year in high school. Most programs require their students to choose their specific elective courses upon arrival in Israel. Once your child has left for Israel, you should probably relate to him/her as you will during study at college. As a young adult, he/she should learn the responsibility of making independent choices. Nonetheless, if you have succeeded in developing a mutually respectful relationship with your child, there will probably be room (and perhaps even a request) for your advice. 5. I have never experienced what my child is going through. What can I do to help us feel connected? In late adolescence, children are undergoing the process of differentiating from their parents. That is, they are developing a sense of who they are independent from the family unit. Depending on the child, this period of exploration may entail some degree of drifting or pushing away. Regardless of their individual style, however, young adults strongly desire and need a solid connection with their parents. A number of things can be helpful in achieving this. -Be curious and ask questions about their experience, even if the answer sounds rather like a grunt (more often from your son than daughter). Your interest is valuable nonetheless. - The deepest way of connecting with your child, however, is by entering his/her world. When most parents visit Israel, their primary interactions with their child occur outside of yeshiva. After all, what self-respecting yeshiva boy or girl doesn't take out his/her 25 closest friends on the parent's bill. Those parents and children that do spend time together in yeshiva studying give rave reviews- sharing time studying, going to shiur, and (for the brave parents) eating together. - Meet your child's teachers. For many students, their Israel rebbeim/teachers become important figures; in meeting them you will better connect with your child. Moreover, if you later develop any concerns or questions regarding any of your child's development, it is much easier and more productive to speak by phone with someone whom you have already met in person. III. After Students Return From the Year in Israel 1. I feel my child has "flipped out". What should I do? Let's examine the question. The very framing deeply affects our emotional state and actual reactions to our child. "Flipped out" often means A. Rejects my values. B. Looks different from me or is embarrassing me by openly rejecting me. C. Won't participate in the family the way he/she once did. A. Rejects my values In my doctoral research, most students identified their parents as "the person whose opinion of me matters most" prior to study in Israel. The large majority of these students still identified their parents as such upon their return. See the dissertation in its entirety at http://www.lookstein.org/articles/dj_dissertation.pdf. Although it may be hard to detect, your opinion is still of great value to them. Conversely, there is a great deal about your child that you still identify with very strongly after their return. It is very important to take note of the multiple aspects of change rather than seeing your child through a monolithic lens of "he/she changed." Ask yourself, what about my child's change makes me proud? What aspects of his/her change are precisely what I have hoped and prayed for? You should also keep in mind that a child's change in lifestyle is not necessarily a criticism of you as a parent. B. Looks different from me, or is embarrassing me by openly rejecting me It is often uncomfortable for parents of any child who changes outwardly, in a manner that publicly differentiates him/her from their family. There is little that a parent can do directly about an adult child's choice of dress. (It's hard enough when they're 13!) At the same time, it may helpful to realize that this choice may or may not be permanent. Many of my subjects described putting on more 'yeshivish' dress as a trial period. If the change is permanent, however, the more you are able to look past it the better your relationship with your child will be. It is also important to understand your child's religious changes from a developmental perspective. In discussing the stages of development over one's lifetime, psychologist Erik Erikson took particular interest in late adolescence. He described the core task of this phase as the development of one's identity. As a young adult traverses this phase, he/she enters a period that Erikson dubbed "moratorium." This is a time of "taste-testing" the possibilities. Especially in this modern age of prolonged adolescence, many young men and women may spend several years in the moratorium phase. My doctoral research focused on the process of religious change and identity formation during study in Israel. Interestingly, the majority of my subjects were still in moratorium to some degree, even though they were interviewed 6 months to 2 years after returning from Israel. This phenomenon indicates that your child is probably more open to your views than you might think. Although your child will not necessarily end up being just as you would like him/her to be, external signs of separation do not necessarily signify that your child has dismissed the value of parental input. C. Won't participate in the family the way he used to My research found that the quality of family relationships is usually not altered as a result of a child's change in Israel. However, the success of a child's reintegration into the family depends as much on your attitude as on his/hers. There are countless families with radically different children who get along wonderfully. Humor is a wonderful tool to grease the points of tension. A family's oldest child returned from two years in Israel getting up from his chair as a sign of respect for his parents. Their second child returned from his first year in Israel similarly changed. He did not, however, stand for his parents when they entered a room. His father playfully remarked to his older son "they teach that shana bet, huh?" In another family, a child returned without his former interest in sports and popular music. It became a family joke whenever he knew some piece of popular culture that "it must have been from before 1998." If your child has swapped Phish for a tish and asks to have 10 friends over to sing and eat cholent on his/her first Friday night home, he/she has not necessarily returned a Satmar Chasid. By hosting the tish, you will accomplish many things. -- Communicate "I'm happy you are home and want you to be happy." -- Communicate "I respect and am proud of your Jewish pride and identity." -- Discover that your child learned to make a mean cholent in yeshiva -- Intensify your connection with your child by spending time with him/her and his/her friends. -- Make him/her feel that your home is still his/her home. -- Help him/her realize that much of his/her "new self" actually emanates from you. Many neophyte changers do not initially realize how much they got from their parents. Oscar Wilde once wrote of someone: "he's a self-made man and he worships his creator." Through your display of respect for his/her interest in Torah study and halachic observance, he/she will come to realize and appreciate how much of who he/she is came from you. During the course of one young man's change he became both religiously and politically more conservative than his parents. It took him several years to realize that his parents were not as far from his views as he had thought upon returning from Israel. 2. How should I handle all the changes, even the ones I don't like? There may be times when it is appropriate and important to voice your perspective. More important, however, than the presence or absence of discussion regarding your child's changes is the frequency and the tenor of such discussion. It would be beneficial for these discussions to be the minority of your interaction with your child for many reasons. The Frequency. Your child has just returned from a very different environment and is reassessing how he/she relates to you. If the majority of your conversations address your differences, your child will internalize the feeling that you and he/she are primarily different. The actual reality (and the reality you want your child to experience) is that you are still more similar to one another than you are different. You value Torah learning. He/she values Torah learning. You value Torah observance. He/she values Torah observance. You value Israel. He/she values Israel. Your foremost concern and responsibility is your child's general well being. Upon returning from Israel, your child is undergoing a serious transition. This is true, even if your family has spent numerous vacations in Israel. Research has found a mental health "W-Curve" in American students spending their junior year abroad at a foreign university. The student typically enters the foreign environment with a strong sense of self and self-esteem (the upper-left hand corner of the w). Within a few weeks, the usual difficulties of adjustment (big or small) contribute to a drop in self- esteem/identity clarity. After several months, the student has adjusted and returns to a high. Surprisingly, the same pattern of adjustment difficulties occurs for these students upon returning to the United States. These challenges of readjustment upon returning home apply to our children returning from Israel as well. Thus, although your "baby" is a young adult, he/she needs your help in successfully re-acclimating. While discussing or debating your differences is legitimate, it is not likely to be psychologically helpful to your child. The Tenor. As parents, our goal is not (well it might be, but probably shouldn't be) creating our children in our own image. Our tradition is compared to a candle (Mishlei 6:23) and a fire (Dvarim 33:2). In conversation with our young adult children, we must be candles, kindling their internal connection to the values we hold dear. Approaching them as a fiery torch, attempting to coerce them to be like us, will usually backfire. They will likely feel singed by the burning flame, and retreat in self-protection from attack. Tenor and frequency aside, pick your battles! Parents may have to make their peace with children's increased precision in observance of the laws of shabbos, dress, and kashrus. Figure out ways to negotiate the gap. Inasmuch as parents show respect, their voices may carry more weight in the realm of activities that Rabbi Mayer Schiller (rebbe, MTA) refers to as the "not explicitly sacred." In turn, children are more likely to return to engaging (at least periodically) in activities with their family such as sports, a chol hamoed hike, or a Friday night board game. A spirit of compromise should prevail. Perhaps your shul is too noisy for him Shabbos morning, but your son can daven with you on Friday night. Perhaps your daughter won't go swimming at the beach with you and your other children, but she may go for a barefoot stroll on the beach in the evening. Another helpful piece of the puzzle is what psychologist Dr. Norman Blumenthal calls "getting in touch with your own adolescence." Did you undergo major or minor change from your parents' way of life? It may be hard to see your child "moving away" from that which you worked hard to achieve. However, your own experiences as a teenager can also make it easier for you to relate. What changes did you make? What were the points of contention? How did your parents react and which responses were most effective? 3. My child has sprung the "shana bet question." How should I approach his/her desire to stay a second year? There are several guiding principles that can be helpful to parents facing this question, although there are no simple answers. The story is told of two men who approached a rabbi in litigation. The first presented his case to the rabbi to which the rabbi responded, "you are right." The second then stepped forward and delivered his argument to which the rabbi responded, "you are right." A confused bystander interjected with vehemence, "but rabbi, you are contradicting yourself." The rabbi looked at him nodding, "you are also right." Considering the complexities of teen development and family dynamics, it is impossible to provide black and white answers. Nonetheless, there are definitely general guidelines that can be critically important to most circumstances. There are really two questions involved when a student wants to return for a second year of study in Israel: A. Is another year in Israel in the best interest of the child's maturation and development? B. What is the best approach to take when a parent is against shana bet? A. Weighing the Pros and Cons of Shana Bet There are various reasons that a student might want to return for a second year of study and various factors to be considered. I will review each of them separately: Educational: Perhaps the most obvious reason is the desire to further their Jewish education. Particularly for a student who will not be attending Yeshiva University or another yeshiva, an immediate return to college means essentially ending one's formal Jewish education a year after high school graduation. Inasmuch as few parents would allow this for secular studies, there are compelling reasons for advanced Jewish education. Even for those who are attending Yeshiva University, the focus on skills development in Israel cannot be matched in a dual-curriculum setting. Thus, it may be worth a second year in Israel since the skills developed there will last students a lifetime. Spiritual: There is an equally powerful argument in favor of shana bet, beyond the educational realm: inspiring a spiritual connection to the Jewish people and Judaism. During temple times, there was a mitzvah of aliyah l'regel, holiday ascent to Jerusalem. Incorporated into this was the requirement of ta'un lina, an individual was required to stay the night following his offering of the holiday korban. Tosfot explain that the purpose of this was to provide extra time for the spiritual experience to take hold. Similarly, the dedication to the Jewish people and Judaism that is experienced during shana alef can become a deeper part of the student's being after returning for an additional year. It should not be taken for granted that a student's initial inspiration will remain. The issue is captured in the lesson of a simple story. A young man was once reading in bed in his yeshiva dormitory by the light of his reading lamp. Suddenly, the room went black. It then dawned on him that he had been reading by the light of his roommate's lamp, which the roommate had switched off. Similarly, during the year of study, many students feel spiritually inspired and passionate about Jewish living. However, the flame is sometimes externally driven, and not sufficiently internalized to take home at the end of the first year of study. Second Chance: Finally, many students suggest to their parents that they need to return for shana bet because they did not take sufficient advantage of their shana alef. The common and fully understandable parental response is "you made your bed, now sleep in it." It is frustrating to hear that your child did not take advantage of the opportunity you provided. Furthermore, there is an educational argument for allowing children to suffer the consequences of their own actions. Nonetheless, the issue here is more complex. As discussed earlier, study in Israel often entails a difficult adjustment period. Thus, it is not necessarily the child's "fault" if shana alef was not fully utilized. The important task is to assess your child's present motivation regarding study in Israel. It should not be assumed that a student who did not take full advantage of shana alef will repeat this pattern during shana bet. One subject of my study had an inspiring Shabbat experience following Shavuot that inspired him to return for a second year, which was much more successful than the first. I also have a vivid mental image of a friend of mine during his shana alef, sitting with his chevruta in the beit midrash and staring into space. Most of their discussions revolved around fantasies of a Chicago Cubs vs. Cleveland Indians World Series (at the time, a pipe dream on both sides). During the summer following shana alef, he decided to return for a second year and became a distinguished talmid chacham. Poor Reasons: On the other hand, there are many poor reasons for wishing to stay shana bet. Some students are struggling with indecision about choice of college or experience a general lack of direction. In such cases, an extra year in yeshiva might simply be a (conscious or subconscious) stall tactic. Inevitably, there is peer or rabbinic pressure regarding shana bet. This, in and of itself, does not indicate whether this is the right decision for your son or daughter. It is, however, important to discuss the issue openly and extensively to determine whether the primary impetus of the request is based on your child's desire or in some external source. B. Parental Concerns: Financial: It is important to consider the usual parental responses to shana bet requests. Parents' most common response is that "it's time to get on with life." In cases of financial strain, this is, indeed, a bona fide concern. Yeshivas may sometimes provide scholarship assistance for shana bet, but some families may not be able to handle the inherent delay in the child's becoming self-sufficient. Falling Behind: In many cases, however, the parental concern stems from the feeling that the child is falling behind the community norms of pacing. In this regard, a long-term view may be instructive. At the age of 55, it probably won't matter much to your child whether he/she has been a professional for 33 or 34 years. Manner of Discussion: The way in which this issue is discussed and the language used is as important as the content of discussion. While conflict with one's children is never pleasant, it presents a hidden opportunity to strengthen the relationship and model mature conflict resolution skills. In discussing the issues, work to establish consensus (and possibly compromise) as the goal. Formulate the matter as working to figure out how "we" are going to proceed, rather than an "I" vs. "you" debate. Some have found returning for half of shana bet to be a good solution. Parental Influence: One of the primary concerns that parents have regarding shana bet is that they are losing their influence with their child. In this regard, several points might be instructive. First, as discussed above, my research found that parents remain focal guides even for students who change significantly during the year in Israel. Second, it is important to strike a balance between categorical rejection and unhappy acquiescence. Categorical rejection of shana bet may accomplish a short-term goal; however, it may unintentionally cause resentment and create distance, resulting in a lessening of your input in decisions in the future. On the other hand, simply giving in and letting your child go back because you can't stand the argument leaves your child with neither a good understanding of your perspective nor a sense of appreciation and support of his/her desires. Slippery Slope: Finally, a bona fide parental concern regarding shana bet is the slippery slope. How is a parent to know if shana bet portends shana hey? First and foremost, this requires a return to the pre-Israel research mode. Do solid investigation regarding the yeshiva and its shana bet students. If you are inclined to allow your child to return, you may want to come to a clear verbal agreement (or sign a contract) regarding what will follow shana bet. It may increase your comfort level to involve your child's rebbe in the discussion. 4. After studying in Israel, my child wants to change his college plans. How should I react? For many students, the natural outgrowth of the change they experience is for them to alter their college plans. Sometimes, this entails a switch from a secular college to Yeshiva University; for others, it means switching from Yeshiva University to a yeshivish yeshiva or seminary. In addressing these issues, the core ideas are the same as above. Nonetheless, there are several key differences. Unlike shana bet considerations, in many cases, these changes entail a challenge to the values of modern orthodox parents. Parents will have to identify their own limits and decide where they want to draw a line in the sand. However, absolute knee-jerk rejections will generally backfire in the short or long run. Before you respond, find out about the program. Consider your own values. Is the critical issue a liberal arts education, earning a college degree, making a living? The critical thing to remember is your goal. It should not be winning the fight, but rather succeeding in transmitting your values to your son/daughter. 5. Should I worry if my child won’t socialize with the opposite sex? If your child has truly joined the "yeshivish world," he/she will date and marry through the traditional shadchan. If your child is part of the new "post-Israel religion," (somewhere in between the modern orthodox and yeshivish communities) encourage him/her (as many Israeli rebbeim would) to continue or begin involvement with one of the wonderful kiruv or chesed programs such as NCSY or Camp HASC where he/she will meet like-minded people. Many rabbis and community leaders are also working on this issue through Jewish web-site dating services and "kosher" singles programming. For more on this topic, see the essay by Rabbi Jeremy Wieder, "Attitudes for Socializing and Socializing Attitudes," and the essay entitled "Ten Questions for Rabbi Moshe Tendler" in the singles portion of this website. Rabbi Dr. Dan Jacobson, ordained at RIETS, is currently the Assistant Rabbi at Congregation Beth Sholom in Lawrence, NY, and works at OHEL Children's Home & Family Services in Brooklyn, NY. He received his Doctorate in Psychology from Rutgers University, writing his dissertation on "Psychological and Religious Change of Orthodox Jewish Boys During a Post-High School Year of Study in an Israeli Yeshiva." http://www.lookstein.org/articles/dj_dissertation.pdf. Rabbi Jacobson has a B.A. from Princeton University and studied in Israel at bothYeshivat HaKotel & Yeshivat Shaalvim. He can be reached at Dan_Jacobson@ohelfamily.org http://www.ocweb.org/index.php/603/