The OCWeb.org :: Article :: Ten Commandments for Married People by Michael Feldstein

Ten Commandments for Married People by Michael Feldstein

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Are you married, but looking to do something constructive for your single friends? Below are ten things married couples can easily accomplish within their communities, which will enhance the lives of their single counterparts and lead to more singles meeting one another and getting married:

1. Stay in contact with your single friends after you get married. Many singles feel abandoned by their friends once they get married. Call them occasionally and find out about what's going on in their lives. Take an interest in what interests them. Ask them for advice, and share your joys with them. Invite them over for a Shabbat weekend. They will appreciate the contact - and feel better about themselves.

2. Be supportive. Instead of simply giving advice, listen to what your single friends are saying. Show them that you care. This, in turn, will lead many of your single friends to share details about their lives with you, without making it seem like you are prying into their business.

3. Avoid making judgments about current relationships in which your single friends may be involved. If you are specifically asked by your single friend about a person they are seeing, be honest and forthcoming about how you feel, without being judgmental. If they don't ask, keep your thoughts to yourself.

4. Give thought to setting up singles. Don't suggest a date simply because two people are the same age, or because someone asks you whether you know a good guy. Get to know singles personally, rather than treating them like index cards. Respect confidential information shared with you. Don't assume someone is available and interested before checking first. And once you've suggested a potential date to a person, and he or she is interested, make sure to follow up and not leave the person hanging.

5. Include single members of your community in the planning and development of your shul. If they deserve to be honored at a dinner, don't exclude them simply because they are single. There's also no halacha that a gabbai or a president of a shul has to be married.

6. Invite singles to your Shabbat meals. This is a great way for singles to meet each other in a normal and non pressurized environment. In fact, there is at least one community (Baltimore) where this program is more formalized and singles can sign up to be placed at the homes of married couples who have volunteered to host a meal. Plan a different kind of singles Shabbaton, where 40-50 singles can spend Shabbat weekend in your community, and various couples can host 6-8 singles each for Shabbat meals.

7. Don't give in to pressure to conform. If someone asks you a question that has no bearing on a potential shidduch, don't answer it - make it clear that you refuse to participate in such silly behavior. Avoid the labeling that has become so common in the Orthodox community, and treasure the rich diversity within our ranks.

8. Encourage mixed seating at weddings. Speak to your rabbi about making this standard practice for any marriage he performs. There are few better ways for large groups of singles to get to know each other in a comfortable and natural environment than at a mixed table of singles at a wedding. No less a Torah scholar than Rav Aharon Soloveichik met his future spouse at a wedding with mixed seating. Countless more shidduchim can be made if we encourage this practice.

9. Create normal, healthy social activities for singles. Put together a planning committee consisting of both singles and married people from your shul. Organize social events for singles, such as an arts festival or a chessed (volunteering) project, which allow singles to interact with each other without the program feeling like a typical singles event.

10. Empower singles that you know to arrange their own dates, rather than rely only on dates through third-parties or shadchans. There is still no better method to finding a mate than singles meeting informally. Singles must become more proactive in their search for a spouse, and married individuals can encourage them to get more involved in different kinds of activities, which will increase their chance of finding a shidduch on their own. Ultimately, the ability for more Orthodox Jewish singles to get married will fall on the shoulders of singles themselves. However, if we can mobilize the efforts of those who are already happily married, and get more people in our community involved in helping singles, we can create many more marriages - and greatly alleviate the singles problem.

Michael Feldstein works as a marketing professional in Stamford, CT. He serves on the board of Edah and the Halachic Organ Donor Society, and is active in helping Orthodox Jewish singles as a volunteer for EndtheMadness.