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Sex and the City: Sexuality on the Upper West Side by Rabbi Allen Schwartz

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Today sex sells, and the West Side of Manhattan sells it about as much as anywhere. This marketplace has even invaded the Orthodox community; but in the Book of Ruth modesty sells, and perhaps there are lessons to be learned by those who are single today.

The Book of Ruth weaves a number of subplots together so that an older couple, both widowed, would meet, fall in love and together build the foundation of the Davidic dynasty. Their first meeting is described from afar as Boaz is taken by something about Ruth and he inquires about her the first time he sees her. What interested Boaz about Ruth?

Our tradition tells us that he saw Ruth behaving differently than all the other women who were gleaning in his field. While the others bent over and often exposed themselves, Ruth carefully bent in a modest and discreet manner, to avoid such exposure. There are many things that can pique a man's interest in a woman. The first often is a physical attraction. In today's society that attraction goes far beyond physical appearance to an immediate physical relationship.

Our society is so convinced that promiscuity sells that everything from bus stops to phone booths to billboards are designed to appeal to the sexual appetites of the consumer. Sexual pervasiveness throughout society has created some special challenges in the Orthodox community. Most Orthodox men and women would never think of violating Leviticus chapter 11 on a date by dining at a seafood restaurant or by eating a cheeseburger. Yet they have no qualms violating the sexual code, listed 7 chapters later in the same book. The religious argument against this is obvious, but the social argument is just as convincing.

When it was discovered that tobacco companies were targeting our youth there was significant moral outrage. Our innocent, unprotected youth needed our interaction. But where is the same sanctimonious outrage towards MTV, the music industry, magazines and the media in general that make our daughters so profoundly self conscious of what a boy thinks of her when he is looking her up and down. The cultural influences that bombard our youth have real consequences. Women learn from the "highly rated" TV shows that sex is enticing and empowering. They do not see the emotional scars that are left when physical relationships break off, and promises made in the heat of passion are broken without a second thought.

Into all of this, steps the Torah, ...as usual. It just so happens that the traditional and halachic norms of modesty are just what today's society needs to hear. We wouldn't dive into a pool if there were only a 50% chance that the pool had water. So why are we ready to give ourselves over to someone in such a significant way before we're sure that it is real. And we can never be 100% sure of this until marriage! I would dare to consider that if every single woman on the West Side pointed to Leviticus 18:19 and told the men: "You don't touch me until you marry me." We'd see many more marriages. To corroborate this I point to a letter to New York Magazine from a young woman who wrote in early 1998:

I am so sick of the fact that every guy I meet expects that I should sleep with him on the first date. I am mortified on behalf of my peers who, when they hint to their boyfriends about marriage, find themselves dumped like garbage. Just when I thought there was no answer for a modern-day woman, I read your article "Looking for Mr. Goldberg" [by Elizabeth Hayt, Dec. 8, 1997].

I am shocked that there are young Orthodox Jewish men who have honorable intentions, date only to marry, do not lead a woman on, have no ulterior motives, do not even touch them until after they are married- it's like you are speaking about people from Mars. And I am sooo jealous.Why aren't all men like this? It is enough to make me consider converting to Judaism. - Sandy Denise, Manhattan

These words are meant for those who are already Jewish. Let's remember the Ruth model. It worked on Boaz so many years ago and it could still work today.

Rabbi Schwartz of Congregation Ohab Zedek in New York, NY is also an instructor at Yeshiva University.