A Mother's Prayer by Anonymous
When my daughter was born, I prayed for her. I prayed for her health and happiness. Happiness that included her future marriage and children. How could I not? I wanted her to be happy and I understood that in terms of my own life, culture and context. So now that she remains single, what do I do? How do I show my love and concern without repudiating her life? How do I deal with my pain and not overshadow or assume hers? How do I implement our relationship? So many questions and no easy answers.I live in a world of marriage and children. As far as I am concerned this is the good life, a life of companionship and creativity. It is not the only life, but it surely has been good to me and to my understanding of our civilization. It is clearly a Jewish value: a biblical blessing. If Hashem blesses us with this potential, how can we accommodate to its absence? I have worked with many divorce cases and I know full well that the system and the people in that system do not always live up to these ideals. But the potential for human happiness seems to me to be bound up with the companionship of marriage. And now my daughter is not married. So how do we as a family and a community deal with that? Specifically, how do I as a mother handle it?
Additionally, how do I/we deal with the absence of children/grandchildren. The goal of procreation is not simply about numbers or population growth. Having children is also a blessing from God. In the biblical stories of infertile women, the women themselves saw their infertility as a punishment or abandonment from Hashem. So if having children is this great gift, what do we say to those who are single and childless? Should we encourage them to entertain single parenthood? I want my daughter to feel the complex joys of birth and nursing, of holding a tiny trusting hand, of lunch boxes and car pools, of a child's first dates and love.
So, like many of my friends, I am in a quandary. I want to stay close with her, but our experiences are so different now. I do not want to nudge her, or appear too concerned. I do not want to open her own wounds by asking about her loneliness. But I do wonder how she feels. I want to be there for her but have no cartography of how to accomplish that. When my other children come home with their families, how can I/we make her feel comfortable?
Questions can be so invasive: Who are you seeing? Do you want to go out with a friend of a friend? Why aren't you married? What do you do by yourself? Yet not asking questions might seem insensitive or uncaring. We care and love her.
Most importantly, I want her to want to come home to be with the family. I want her to feel accepted and part of the family. Pesach and Shabbat are times for intensive family get-together and family life is stressed. I never want her to feel ostracized or marginalized. I want her to be happy. I pray for it even if I no longer know what will make her happy.
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Monday, September 27, 2004: Esther wrote…
The honest answer is that there’s probably no foolproof way to prevent your daughter from feeling a little left out. The best way for you to be supportive is to be supportive. Though it sounds redundant, it’s really not. Don’t stop inviting her to family occasions, but let her know that it’s up to her whether she wants to attend or not. If she opts out from time to time, let her know that you’ll miss her, but that if it makes her happier to be somewhere else, it’s ok.
As far as questions are concerned, I would suggest that you tell her that you want to ask about her dating life, but don’t want to bug her. If you have a decent relationship with your daughter, she’ll understand and appreciate this, your expression that you’re interested in her life and concerned with her happiness, but that you’re also respectful of her space and her choices.
Believe me, if she’s anything like me, your daughter also desperately wants to meet her future daughter (or son) and hold her (or his) hand. To keep reminding her that she’s still alone, not getting any younger, and that you want her to have a family of her own will not help your relationship, and will probably make her feel even worse about herself.
You’ve worked with divorced couples. So you know, not every match is meant to be. If anything, I think you should be proud of her for not settling for just a match. She’s waiting for a soulmate. And I can tell from your prayer that that’s what you’re waiting for too.