Dating a Commodity: An Accountant's Eye for Marriage by Dr. Sylvia Barack Fishman
Rabbinical Judaism and societies based on halachic precepts have what sociologists call a "bias" toward marriage. From the moment that week-old infants are officially blessed that they grow up to marry, Jewish tradition urges all adult Jews to conduct their lives in a married state. On a practical level, most historical Jewish societies have encouraged marriage with 'carrots' - communal celebration of and support for the newlyweds - and 'sticks' - communal mistrust of unmarried adults, especially of unmarried men. As a result, unmarried Jews have seldom found a comfortable niche in traditional communities.One has only to look at contemporary Orthodox communities today, or to read Tova Mirvis' touching new novel, The Outside World, to see that Orthodox communal preferences for married rather than single lifestyles have not diminished. Indeed, in many communities an obsession with marriage has been ratcheted up to fever pitch. Young women in particular are often made to feel that they are damaged goods if they have not married - and married well- by their early twenties.
Despite the historical Jewish bias and current communal pressure toward marriage, ironically, proportions of singles in contemporary Jewish communities have reached unprecedented levels. [See Survey Says] Orthodox communities today face the dual challenges of:
1. trying to understand the reasons for this increase in singleness within observant communities; and
2. creating communal policies in response.
Virtually universal levels of college education and careerism are often cited as the primary reasons for delayed marriage and non-marriage. However, an equally significant but seldom-discussed contributing factor is the commodification of potential marriage partners, and human relationships in general. In many Orthodox communities today, potential spouses are coldly evaluated by more than one party, including the young man or woman, his or her family, and sometimes an intermediary playing the role of shadchan - even before a first date. The potential date/spouse can be deemed inappropriate on a variety of bases, such as (a) religiosity, (b) familial medical history, and (c) financial resources.
a. Levels of religiosity are minutely calibrated: If a girl herself or one of her family members, for example, has been in any way associated with a woman's tefillah group or other aspects of Orthodox feminism, she may find herself on a black list even for putatively "centrist" young Orthodox men attending universities. On the other hand, a "too frum" level of piety may disqualify one as well.
b. Men and women are similarly scrutinized not only as to their own health but also concerning siblings and other family members. Some otherwise "modern" Orthodox Jewish parents urge "a complete genetic workup" before their children's relationships proceed to commitment.
c. And more than one relationship has foundered over financial negotiations between sets of parents prior to the wedding.
Interestingly, the fear of unwise commitments these mercantile evaluations represent derive not only from the historical Jewish pattern of shadchones and arranged marriages, but also from consumerism and contemporary Western values.
As the popular HBO series Sex and the City famously illustrates, secular Western singles also are terrified of getting stuck with the wrong person. Like Orthodox Jews, they approach relationships with a list of desirable and undesirable attributes. Additionally, Jewish men and women sometimes look at each other with distorted perceptions; many are influenced by negative depictions of Jews, particularly Jewish women, in television and movies. When men and women approach each other as potential purchases to be appraised, both among Orthodox and secular Jews, an obsession with getting the best "deal" in bargaining for a high-quality spouse creates an environment in which there is little tolerance for human imperfections – and little room for spontaneity or romance.
Not enough attention has been paid to the wider sociological implications of the commodification of marriage. Realistic evaluation of potential romantic and marriage partners is certainly an important skill, and is also a wholesome reaction against the naivete with which unsuitable persons have sometimes been shackled together. This is particularly true in the Orthodox community, where the situation of agunot (women without a get) who cannot win release from their failed marriages is unfortunately still a bitterly unsolved problem.
Nevertheless, the widespread habit of evaluating single men and women with an accountant's eye as marital merchandise is both demoralizing and dehumanizing. Rather than being exclusively Orthodox, it fits right into the Sex and the City mentality of keeping a scorecard on dates and potential dates. Taught to regard each other with suspicion, some Jewish singles - including Orthodox singles - continue to be suspicious and remain unmarried. Taught to avoid involvements without a guarantee of health, financial solvency, and eternally shared values and lifestyles, singles see quite well that no relationship comes with a guarantee and consciously or unconsciously avoid serious involvements.
Fostered both by secular American consumerism and by some aspects of shadchones and historical arranged marriages, commodification impoverishes relationships and has set many a promising friendship off course. Along with toxic portrayals of Jewish women in television, film and popular culture, I believe commodification bears significant responsibility for the attenuated singlehood of many Jews.
The Orthodox community faces an extraordinary challenge of creating a countercultural approach, in which boys and girls are educated by their parents, their teachers, and their community to regard each other with empathy, humanity, and menshlechkeit, rather than as purchasable entities.
Orthodoxy gives us a head start in resisting this negative cultural trend, because our plethora of ritual and social laws has given us plenty of practice in being countercultural. Orthodox communities can only be enhanced by increased humanity, both in the way we treat the singles among us, and in the way we educate the children who will face singleness or marriage tomorrow.
Dr. Sylvia Barack Fishman is Associate Professor of Contemporary Jewish Life in the Near Eastern & Judaic Studies Department, and Co-director of the Hadassah International Research Institute on Jewish Women, both at Brandeis University. She has written several books and published dozens of articles on American Jewish life & literature.
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