Ethics of Internet Dating by Dr. Adena K. Berkowitz
At a recent Shabbat lunch my family and I sat with a couple, both previously divorced, who met on a Jewish dating site and were newly married. This vibrant couple regaled us with experiences of having a long distance relationship and the compromises they had to make as to where to live and how to set up a Brady Bunch type household with all their children from previous marriages. A lively discussion ensued as to why Jewish internet dating services have become so popular and what parameters we thought people who go online should follow.Is it appropriate for people to lie about their age? Pump up their looks or professions? Does it affect the level of trust that two parties will have for each other, down the road? If you lie about your age, will the other party begin to wonder what else you are lying about? Is it a violation of halacha and Jewish values to lie about these things? Does it matter if everybody does it? Is Jewish tradition concerned with creating a dating atmosphere in which not merely bending the truth but outright deception should be condoned? Do the ends justify the means to create a bayit neeman b'Yisrael (a home based on Jewish ideals)?
As many of us are aware, there are a variety of approaches within Jewish tradition to the question of lying, and specifically with regard to white lies. In the Torah and Talmud, we are told to keep far from lies, to avoid distorting the truth. Yet the rabbis counsel us that not all truth is to be spoken when it would cause emotional distress, embarrassment and shame. We find sources concerned with preserving shalom bayit (domestic harmony) as well as weighing the intent of our deception. Thus we learn that at times it is deemed not only acceptable, but also necessary to bend the truth to avoid hurting someone's feelings. Still other sources indicate that even when you have the best intentions, outright deceptions are to be avoided for fear that you will become a habitual liar.
Somehow these sources seem moot when measured against the truth of the marketplace - according to my single friends, "everybody" who signs up for internet dating exaggerates their looks, their credentials and even their age. And even after getting a date, people engage in outright deceptions. Men will tell women that they will call them, when they have no intention of doing so. Women will say they are interested in going out again even though they have no desire to. Yet, isn't this behavior just 'custom of the trade', a form of buyer beware when going out? Some rabbis have tried to balance the Torah's desire for truth with the stark reality of the dating world by permitting, for example, women to lower their age by up to five years on their internet dating forms, with the stipulation that they divulge their age on the first date. This is one approach to level the playing field. In general, though, because there is now a widespread assumption that people automatically take off years when they fill out these forms, an ironic result can ensue for the wholly honest person: When they list their actual age, people will automatically assume that they are older!
Many women bemoan previously commitment- phobic men who suddenly wake up in their mid-40's and decide that they are ready to settle down, yet are unwilling to even consider women who are close or at their age. Men might cite the "ticking of the biological clock" as an excuse to date younger women; but in reality it may just appeal to a man's self esteem to have a younger woman on his arm. Some men who are not doctors, lawyers, accountants, or MBA's have equally complained that if they were to list their real jobs women would never respond to their emails. These dilemmas pose a challenge not only for those in our community who are single but also for the Jewish community as a whole as to the overall ethical atmosphere of our community.
Within the world of shidduch dating, we have heard of people wanting to know what type of tablecloth their potential date uses at a Shabbat table, the type of clothes worn by the mother at a Friday night dinner and the style of furniture in the house. It seems that dating has come down to a list of twenty questions, a test that each party has to pass with the right answers before they will even go out together. Why have so many people become so inflexible that they won't even take a chance and consider options that might broaden their ability to meet the "right one"?
Perhaps the dearth of informal places for people to meet that used to exist (synagogue/Young Israel dances; singles weekends at hotels of yesteryear - Grossingers/Concord, Brown's; mixed seating tables at weddings) has led to the explosive growth of internet dating. With that growth has come a whole new series of difficult ethical choices that have to be made. We as a community, whether single or married, rabbis and laypeople, have an obligation to create an overall atmosphere where ethical parameters infuse all our lives, on a daily basis. We need to reexamine the expectations that we wish for in potential mates and work on creating a Jewish culture where we are initially sensitive to people's emotional needs as much as their physical and spiritual ones.
Dr. Adena K. Berkowitz, currently an independent consultant in New York, was Senior Jewish Liaison to (former) New York City Public Advocate Mark Green as well as a consultant to Hadassah, the largest women's Zionist organization. With degrees in law and Jewish Ethics, she has lectured across the country on Jewish ethics as well as Orthodoxy and Feminism. A prolific writer, her articles have appeared in a host of publications including the New York Jewish Week and the New York Law Journal. Adena is also a contributing writer to the Long Island Jewish World/Manhattan Sentinel. Adena is a board member of JOFA (the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance), past co-chair of ONE VOICE: Jewish Women for Israel and a member of the Rabbinic Committee for Interreligious Dialogue.
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