How to Change the Dating Game by Cory M. Baker, Esq.
It's really amazing how exposed we are as Americans, Jewish or Gentile, to sex, sexuality and romance in the mainstream today. Pop-culture, magazines, film, TV, best-selling books- we are enmeshed in a world where sexuality and dating is everywhere. Some might say that this is the disintegration of true and healthy love and the wearing away of what is right and holy. Many have even said that we are too desensitized to sex and that sex has become casual. Now ask yourself when you last shared a truly romantic and sexually charged evening with a member of the opposite sex.Our parents' generation consisted of Orthodox Jews who sent many of us to Jewish Day-schools and summer camps and knew what it meant to raise children in a religious and spiritual home. And yet they dealt with dating on an entirely different level. Yeshiva high schools and summer camps used to sponsor social dances, sock hops, and other NATURAL environments for dating and the discovery of interpersonal sexuality. Doesn't it seem more normal to be enjoying a cocktail next to an attractive member of the opposite sex rather than hunched over a computer like a Neanderthal scanning for the most recent people who have logged in? Don't get me wrong, internet dating is one of the best things to happen to the Jewish social culture but it won't help you develop the social skills you need when you meet a real live person.
Now, I may be "just another guy on the UWS" but I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts on how to improve the current singles' situation. The first step is affecting change - changing the way we interact:
For the men:
Realize that it is not an act of Judaic heresy to ask a girl out without being set-up with her. We have become far too dependent on the shidduch to do our work for us. Women love to be asked out on a date. This does not mean that all women want to go out with you! But there is rarely a reason not to try and ask. At the very least you can see what does and doesn't work in your approach so you know for next time.
For the women:
a. It may be difficult, but it is okay if you're 25 and not dating anyone seriously.
b. Don't assume that your bashert can only be found outside OZ at W. 95th Street on Friday nights or at the Jewish Center Shabbat morning.
c. Take a chance and flirt. Flirting is how we know you're interested. Lack of eye contact, dismissive glances and looking over our shoulder for the next conversation is rarely endearing.
d. And if you're feeling really crazy ask a guy to hang out sometime. Sure the average Jewish guy may pass a shock induced kidney stone, but it also may be the smartest thing you ever did.
There are worlds thriving outside of our immediate Jewish communities; head downtown where you can find bars, restaurants, clubs and even JEWS! When I first started to date my now fiancee, everyone asked: "who set you up?" as if there was no other option for meeting someone. And when I told them that I met her at a party downtown I was asked if she was religious. We continue to marginalize and ghetto-ize ourselves. A close community is what has kept us together in the past and continues to do so; but it does not bar the 21st century, Modern Orthodox Jew from enjoying the nightlife their city has to offer after the ecstasy of the local kosher pizza shop has worn off.
Finally, perhaps there is room in modern Orthodoxy to be kosher, shomer Shabbat, modest and sexual. Sexual in the sense that we act naturally, when meeting, courting and eventually mating. Sexual in the sense that we are investing in ourselves, in being young, smart and single in NYC. Paying a monthly fee to an online dating service seems hardly the sufficient investment necessary for the 20-something Orthodox Jew living outside of North Dakota. Going to parties and events sponsored by Jewish promoters and organizers is a better option. When we begin to realize that the walls we build around ourselves are our own greatest obstacles we may start to learn to hurdle them.
Cory M. Baker, Esq. is an attorney and writer in New York City and can be reached at
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