Mixed Blessings by Rabbi Josh Yuter
If you're Jewish and single, odds are you've been hit with one of the most annoying brachot ever invented: "Im yirtzeh Hashem (God willing) by you!"(IYH) Some go through comical measures to avoid this phrase. For her younger sister's wedding, a freind of mine made a T-Shirt saying, "No No. Im Yirtzeh Hashemby YOU!" From what I recall her telling me, it worked nicely. When I was learning in Israel, my chavruta (study partner) got engaged and I had to endure my share of IYH's. Noticing my apparent disapproval, one woman said, "Oh, you should be happy! It's a bracha!" I didn't want to get into an argument at this point, so I simply nodded, smiled, and went on my merry way.Not long afterward, I was at a Shabbat meal with the same woman. Somehow in the context of the conversation, I said IYH regarding someone having children. Instead of accepting this bracha, the same woman incredulously said, "You know, you really shouldn't say things like that." "Why not? Isn't it a bracha?" "Yes, but you don't know...maybe there's a reason why they don't have kids." "Maybe there's a reason I'm not married." "Look, you just shouldn't."
I could have countered that if IYH is indeed a bracha, then it should be welcomed in all cases. I was not nagging, "nu, when are we going to have some nachas?" But "if God wills it, it should happen" -a perfectly frum theological blessing. I realized the discussion wasn't going anywhere, so I dropped the subject.
Since then, I've asked several people if there is a difference between saying IYH to a single person looking to get married or a married person who is trying to have children. Both deal with highly personal and emotional struggles, yet IYH is socially acceptable in one context and apparently reviled in another.
In my highly unscientific study, I found that most women instinctively notice a difference between the two situations, but few could articulate what that would be. One person related to me stories of friends of hers who have struggled with miscarriages and fertility clinics, emphasizing the myriad of problems that couples face. Since one never knows what a couple goes through, even an IYH could prove to be traumatic.
I do not wish to minimize the struggles that people go through in either area. My problem is in the hypocrisy. If you truly believe that IYH is a bracha and will be accepted as such, then there should be no distinction based on the circumstance. If you find it offensive in some cases, then that would indicate that you don't really believe it's a true bracha. I suspect the latter to be true in most cases.
For some reason, many are under the impression that singles have no feelings: one can mockingly throw out an IYH with little regard to a person's struggles. We have created a cultural hazing process that only ends when one gets married. Apparently, it's only then that a person's private life is "off limits" from the teases of the community.
So before you throw out another "IYH by you" -even as a joke- first think about how it's going to be received by the other person. It's possible they might not be offended, and it's possible that they might accept it wholeheartedly. But it's also possible that you could strike a sensitive nerve and add more to a person's anguish. If you're not sure yourself, think about whether you would say it to a married couple that is trying to have children.
The point is that maybe it's time to re-evaluate commonly accepted phrases. Maybe we're actually hurting people with words which aren't as well intentioned as they sound. Maybe we should take the time to think about how our words affect other people, even when they're socially conditioned. Maybe if we start empathizing with other people, we can collectively develop a strong supportive community which would extend beyond the dating world and into every facet of social interaction. Im yirtzeh Hashem by us all.
Rabbi Josh Yuter is currently studying Sociology of Religion at the University of Chicago; his blogs can be read at http://yutopia.yucs.org
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