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Are You Ready For The Real Life?

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It's no secret that if you are Orthodox and not married by your mid-twenties, there are those who will make you feel worse than yesterday's leftovers. You will be set up with one Mr. Wrong after another until hopefully you find The One with whom to happily settle into wifedom and then motherhood. Well, I was one of the "lucky ones." I met my husband, Daniel at the tender, innocent age of 19. We fell in love and dated for 2 years prior to tying the knot. In the town where I grew up this was simply "too long". I was never sure why it was too long or exactly what it was too long for, but apparently it just was. My parents never rushed me to find a spouse, but I certainly had caught the 'bug' of excitement to get married from the steady stream of weddings that typically follow a year in Jerusalem or in my case a year in the first co-educational institution since the second grade.

Recently, I got reacquainted with an old friend from high school, one of the supposed "leftovers" of my class that has not yet married. She lives on the Upper West Side and is successful, extremely bright and knows what she wants from life. She and I were chatting about where we have gotten in our 30 years here on Earth. I found, rather amusingly, that we were sitting in partial wonder of each other. We began our conversation stating the obvious truth in mutual agreement: We absolutely "...love our lives and wouldn't trade them for the world." But, it was interesting to see how the other half lives. As a mother and a wife I sometimes daydream about establishing my own single identity. As a free-spirited single, my friend was often daydreaming about the seemingly unattainable day of giving up the 'party life' for spousal and family responsibilities. This got me thinking, what's the rush? Have we who married young had the opportunity to really live life as an "I" before becoming part of an "Us"?

I began to talk to more of my single friends to find out the sources of their pressure. Was it parents? Friends? The plethora of online dating sites? Daily perusal of Onlysimchas.com to see who had joined the ranks of the Newly Married? It seems that at every corner we are attacked by reminders to find a mate and begin the Real Life.

As a card-carrying member of the Real Life I would like to make a bold, if not controversial statement to those who have not yet entered the club. You are actually blessed. It is in G-d's magnificent plan that you get to spend more time developing who you are before getting to the next plateau in life. Marriage and children are a whole new ballgame. It's wonderful, don't get me wrong, it's amazing to have a partner to love and support you in all that you do. It's a gift of pure joy to look into the innocent faces of your beautiful children. Marriage allows you a chance to grow together, mature together into the "US" you are meant to be. But, you do lose just a tiny bit of yourself when you become a spouse and fuse into family. You can't make decisions that are just about you. Jobs and careers become about what ideally benefits the family financially and not only about personal fulfillment. Shopping becomes about food for Shabbos, not about that gorgeous Kate Spade bag you've been eyeing. Phone calls change from chatting about a new love to chatting about your child's first words. The change is wonderful, and certainly something to look forward to but make sure that this is a change you are ready for.

Now I am sure you would like to say to me "who is 100 percent ready to get married anyway?" Well, good point. We aren't trained through many years of marriage 101, complete our thesis and give a full-fledged dissertation about wedded bliss in order to then be handed down our Prized Prince. However, I do think that while waiting for him to arrive there are things that one can do to improve the chances of ensuring his knock at the door coming just a little bit sooner. I am not being presumptuous to assume, that I, O Married One, can possibly provide platitudes on how to attract your mate. I can however attest to the fact that we all, married or not, have room for improvement emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It is very difficult while distracted by Real Life responsibilities to work on those areas that need improvement and it only gets harder as time goes on. Seize the time you have available to you now to really be attractive to who and what you're hoping to find.

I know another girl who is deeply into the singles scene for at ripe old age of 27. She's had a ball living in the Upper West Side but is now hoping to find someone "Relig", as she likes to call it. Her laundry list isn't long, isn't hard to find, isn't out of the realm of reality. She just wants a guy who is clearly far more religious than she is. She' s out clubbing a couple times on the weekend and having a lot of fun. She is hoping her Bashert is sitting at a Chavruta at the same time she's out at the club. Has she been using her time as a single to really develop how to be attractive to the person she hopes to find? Or perhaps she should be using her time to really examine what kind of mate would be better suited for her. But, you never know, she may just surprise us all and marry the guy who was sitting learning and just happened to pop into a bar to ask for directions on his way home. It's all in G-d's Hands.

I recently spoke to a newly single friend, Leah, who had just unfortunately divorced. She told me she felt excited at the prospect of meeting the New Leah because she had felt like she had never gotten to know her because she got married at just 18 years old. She will now be able to concentrate on finding out who she really is.

Upper West Siders and singles living anywhere and everywhere take heed - you have an opportunity while you're a lady-in-waiting. Really enjoy the time to be yourself.

Sara Kutliroff has written on a broad range of subjects for magazines and online websites. She has also worked as a consultant on many writing projects. Sara is a matchmaker for Sawyouatsinai.com. Sara resides in Skokie, Illinois with her husband, Daniel and her 3 children.