Singled Out? by Rabbi David Aaron
Not too long ago I was invited to speak at a singles event. When I arrived, I noticed that most of the people had a strange nervous tick, a kind of head bobbing. After a while I started to notice that the tick was not consistent among all the participants: some bobbed their heads quickly up and down, while other's bobbed in a long drawn out way. Finally I realized that it was not a nervous tick at all, but the participants were eyeing each other up and down.During my presentation, I asked the participants to write a list of what they were looking for in a future partner. I then asked for volunteers to share their list with the crowd. People anxiously put up their hands hoping that by the end of their reading some other lonely soul would call out, "Yoohoo, here I am."
So my first volunteer got up, and nervously read: "I am looking for someone who is warm, soft, calm..." At that point someone rudely called out: "Get the guy a cat." The crowd burst into laughter. Not exactly a love-your-neighbor-as-yourself scene. After that all the volunteers' hands quickly went down.
After the presentation, I had a very uncomfortable conversation with a woman who was "dressed to kill," as the saying goes. More specifically, she was undressed to kill, and I doubt she understood why I talked to her with my head turned sideways. This woman was very annoyed by the singles event. "You know, rabbi," she sighed, "I am so sick and tired of men looking at me like a piece of meat." I thought but did not say, "So why do you dress like that?" What I did say was, "You know what happens at these singles events? Everybody is looking for more. If they are looking for an attractive person, they will always be able to find somebody more attractive. If they are looking for someone intelligent, there will be someone out there who is more intelligent."
When you view people from the outside, sizing them up externally you can always find someone more beautiful, more intelligent, or more successful. But when you look at someone on the inside, when you look at their true self - their soul - you will never find anyone who can compare. And if you let people see your soul then they will never find anyone who can compare to you.
In the realm of the soul no two people are alike. Jewish Mysticism teaches that the soul, your true I, is none other than a spark of God, and therefore you are absolutely unique and incomparable. And when you relate as a soul to another soul your true self radiates a warm and brilliant divine light. Your true individuality shines out.
Jewish Mysticism teaches that souls are really only interested in and attracted to souls. The only thing that attracts one person to another is actually not a 'thing' at all. It is the spiritual, the essence, the divine - the 'you'. The more that you can reveal yourself as a soul, the easier it will be to find your soul mate. But we tend to behave in ways that get in the way of letting our soul shine out.
When people have lists of characteristics they are seeking in a mate, they will always be able to find someone funnier, smarter or more beautiful. These lists can be counter productive and misleading because they are only describing a persona, and not a soul. The question is: are you looking for a persona partner or a soul mate?
Rabbi David Aaron is Dean of Isralight and author of The Secret Life of God, Endless Light and Seeing God. Please visit him on the web at http://www.rabbidavidaaron.com
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Monday, November 15, 2004: anonymous wrote…
If a single woman dresses at a function inappropriately, in my opinion, it is unfortunate but she will be viewed as a piece of meat, not as a person. On the other hand, when a person lists midos as traits they are looking for in a match, it is unfortunate that the audience gave a response out of a sit-com. Perhaps, comments like that are part of the reason why there are so many singles- they still live in a post collegiate dorm-like cave with no consideration as to what marriage and a family means to them.