The OCWeb.org :: Article :: Ten Questions for Rabbi Moshe Tendler adapted from End The Madness Symposium February 28, 2003

Ten Questions for Rabbi Moshe Tendler adapted from End The Madness Symposium February 28, 2003

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At what age should children begin learning about dating, relationships and marriage?
Unfortunately our school curricula do not stress the importance of getting married. The concept of marriage has to be taught in kindergarten, just like eating kosher - one has to be taught the necessity of living kosher. That is not to say that you need co-ed events when boys & girls are 14 or 15. Nevertheless, our educational institutions must stress the importance of marriage as a Jewish lifestyle value even at an early age.

How do you find the proper person?
There exist metaphysical ways to do so: one example is that of R. Nachman of Breslav who writes that one may uncover his zivug (coupling) through concentration on the recitation of "Oz yoshir Moshe," which speaks of the miracle of the splitting of the Red Sea. A skeptical woman asked: "now that creation is finished what does Hashem do?" Chazal answer that Hashem makes shidduchim, but add that it is as difficult as the splitting of the sea. More to the point, one gets married based upon merit, based on wanting to be married and not setting standards that are too high to meet. You may have criteria to follow, but 50 items on your list is neither appropriate nor realistic; you just need a few.

What, then, are the important things to look for?
The chief concern in shidduchim is to seek out baalei chessed, people whose priority is to help and take care of others. In marriage it is critical that the spouses take care of each other and at some point their children. I can't say enough about summer programs that care for the sick, like Camp HASC and the like where young people can meet others who are baalei chesed. Everything else is just details that usually don't make sense. Don't ask whether he wears shoelaces or loafers; or what kind of gefilte fish they eat; or what sort of tablecloths they use. The process can deteriorate to the point of stupid questions that are asked because no one knows what to look for anymore.

What criteria are less important, or not important at all?
A shidduch is generally made first by physical attraction - appearance and dress - more than personality traits. A wife is for eternity, a size 8 is not and should not be a factor for a marriage that will last forever: her shape will change, as will yours. Essentials are what you' re looking for - not that which is variable, changeable. Moreover, dress is just a flag that you fly: it determines the group with which you identify, but it is not as important as people make it in terms of a personal or individual indication of character. In the world that we live in today people ask, "how long should the dress be?" Above the knee? Below? This is all personal style. Unlike a boy who wears a backward baseball cap on the first date who is clearly trying to make a rebellious statement, most of our dress codes are learned behavior patterns and therefore sociological phenomena. The way someone dresses is not necessarily a statement about personal piety or religiosity. True, there exist certain halachic issues such as hair covering and wearing pants that ultimately have to be discussed; still, opinions - verbal, or physical - expressed during a date are usually not the opinion of the person expressing them, but rather amount to a mouthing of something they heard or learned from their community. Young people are not yet the people they will become. Important decisions in life should not be dependent on externals that are constantly in flux and are likely to change. One can even here apply the concept of tinok shenishbah, a child who grew up outside the community. Someone who grows up in a more modern community has different influences, cultural codes and social groups. Thus, one must endeavor to make a "benefit burden analysis" to determine where your date may be flexible: she can wear a little longer dress, he can learn a little more Torah, etc. These issues can be taken care of in the developmental phase; one should not declare people unsuitable because of a behavior pattern that doesn't speak to the individual person but to the society in which they grew up.

What should be considered in terms of the potential date's family?
You should try to find a family that is committed to a halachic lifestyle; you need to know that the family is willing to present a halachic household to your kids. Someone once asked Rav Moshe Feinstein if it would be better not to be involved with balei teshuvah because the children were most likely conceived without the mother going to the mikveh.He answered that surely the mother went swimming that week, so it is possible that they are fine; we need more of these kinds of teshuvas in the world we live.

Who should you turn to for help and advice on shidduchim?
Your family - which does not necessarily include your teacher. A rebbe, a yeshiva can act in locus parenti for educational purposes, but personal issues such as shidduchim should be discussed with parents. Advice given by Roshei Yeshiva need not be honored to the same degree as their explanation of a gemara, or how they teach a halacha. They may not be expert to advise in all areas of human concern, something that is reserved for the gadol hador; and sadly, there is no such person today.

When should you discuss family medical histories and potential genetic problems?
On the question of integrity, the only issue is when to tell, not whether to tell. Today people have a greater openness about serious things, and are right to share problems and issues with their future spouses. However, these need not be discussed on the first date.

What would constitute a serious genetic problem that should be discussed?
This question is not necessarily for rabbis to answer: we do not get medical advice from rabbanim. My suggestion would be to have the family doctors of the couple talk to each other in professional confidence to determine basic health and illness essentials and compatibility. This way, if there is a problem it will be faced right away; and if it is not a serious medical or health issue, it will not eliminate someone as a potential shidduch. Doctors alone will decide whether the person is unmarriageable due to a medical condition.

Any dating suggestions for those of us who have yet to get married?
Today dating is a game; I don't have much experience with it. I was introduced to my wife at a Young Israel lecture and then met her occasionally at the local public library where people went to study or learn Torah when their Lower East Side apartments became too cramped! I say it's a game because you do not reveal your true personality until later. Dates provide little opportunity to do more than get a general impression that things are okay, to get a sense of the other person. You can't know who they really are until you're married for some time.

Today the shidduch system does not seem to be working. What can we do about it?
The shidduch system does add some rigidity to the process though that is not necessarily the fault of the shadchan who has only one job - to get the boy and girl together; the rest is up to you. Some of the new "rules" that the system has generated are not helpful. For example, the idea that you can only go out with one boy or girl at a time is nonsense; after the wedding, it's a different story! Also, the idea that everything goes through the shadchan is crazy. The matchmaker can be helpful at certain stages to help things advance, but if a boy likes a girl he should tell her so, and not have to tell his parents who tell the shadchan and so on. One of the advantages of the shidduch system though is that facilitating the first meeting is always difficult without third party involvement. We certainly need more events like the ones run by End The Madness for single men and women to meet and have opportunities to socialize. People don't meet in the library anymore and when they do, they don't know how or if to speak to each other. How can boys and girls meet in appropriate settings? It shouldn't take much ingenuity to work out the problem; men and women sat together at my wedding, singles sat six to a table and my wife and I tried to think of who should sit with whom. We can't deny every opportunity for social mixing, so this problem shouldn't be too difficult to fix - our yeshiva has a prime responsibility to fix it.

Any last thoughts or advice?
My father-in- law, Rav Moshe Feinstein, z"l was once asked for advice on dating, and his answer was that you shouldn't try to be too smart. Don't "test your date" because it won't help. Your only guarantee of success is "Tamim tihiyeh im Hashem Elokecha," have faith in Hashem that He will advise you.

Rabbi Dr. Moshe Tendler of the Community Synagogue of Monsey, NY, is a Rosh Yeshiva at Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary and a professor of biology at Yeshiva College.