The Answer Is... by Rabbi Gidon Rothstein
In its solicitation of contributions on this issue, the Orthodox Caucus addressed the central question of the "shidduch crisis" rather circumspectly. It sought insight into the "many areas that need attention beyond the shidduch question." The list of questions the Caucus offered approached aspects of the issue - sexuality, the community's reaction to singles, dating ethics and attitudes, other kinds of singles than never-marrieds are some examples- but did not specifically raise the fundamental question: why are so many young Jews finding it difficult to marry, and what can be done to foster their taking this vital step?One error in many of the presentations, from my perspective, is to think of this problem of commitment as particular to the singles population, when in truth it is a societal problem facing all of us; married and unmarried. While the rest of society has conquered this issue by getting married, the reasoning seems to be, singles just cannot jump this particular hurdle, pass through this gate of life. I argue that the fundamental challenge facing singles - a lack of "stick-to-it-ive-ness" bedevils the rest of society as well, but is seen as more acceptable in these situations.
Singles run away from relationships that seem less than perfect, but couples who choose to divorce are often acting the same way, as are communities that split in two or part ways with their rabbi. At the heart of each of these breakups is a poorly developed sense of when to end a relationship and when to struggle to achieve a workable solution within difficult circumstances; left unrealized is that the struggle to hold a relationship together often ennobles the result even if it seems less perfect than some theoretical ideal.
Certainly, singles should not simply ignore problems in a relationship, married couples need not always stay together, and communities need not suffer an incompetent rabbi or unworkable communal dynamics just for the sake of continuity. But recognizing that "you can't always get what you want," that we are sometimes forced to build from a different starting point than we would have liked - with less money, more weight, or in a different geographic region- is true of singles but of all of us as well.
A place for our communities to help singles into their next stage of life is in healing ourselves of that underlying problem. Were singles to see people work-- willingly and productively, not begrudgingly and bitterly-- to make the best of less-than-optimal situations, they might recognize the value of doing so in their own lives as well. While a marriage kept together for the sake of the children can become a cold entente, it should ideally become the ground for finding a way to build a loving relationship even with the limitations of one or both partners. While a community whose rabbi is not pastoral enough or too pastoral, not scholarly enough or too scholarly, not active enough or too controlling, can become divided between supporters of the rabbi and his staunch opponents, it ideally will become a community in which various needs are met in various ways, with rabbis and communities accepting each others' limitations, and working within those to build a thriving, loving kehillah.
Psychologists often say that when parents argue in front of a child, they should also be sure to go back and reach closure on that issue in front of the child, teaching that arguments happen, but need not end a relationship or marriage. Added to the various insights that appear in the Caucus Singles articles, an overall message we can glean is that our actions deeply affect our young adults. The more we present models of productive and loving imperfect relationships --in friendships, marriages, and communal interactions-- that build from a real recognition of each human being's deep limitations, the more we can hope that singles will overcome the numerous and multifaceted challenges that marriage apparently presents to them.
Gidon Rothstein has served in rabbinic positions at the Jewish Center and the Riverdale Jewish Center, and is currently Rosh Kollel at HAFTR's Community Kollel. He can be reached at
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