The Challenges of Online Dating by Nancy Karan, C.S.W.
Today there are several Jewish websites where singles around the world can connect with one another. Whether one is unaffiliated or yeshiva educated, he or she now has immediate access to singles with similar religious ideologies and practices. Frumster, FutureSimchas, JDate and SawYouAtSinai, offer Jewish singles an opportunity to "shop" for a mate and empower them to choose who they want to date. More significantly, they no longer have to wait for their friends or mothers to set them up.Nevertheless, the sites are not perfect. While it may seem that one's bashert is just a mouse click away, online dating may be even more complex than offline dating. As the opportunities to meet people increase, so too may the opportunities for rejection. When one is choosing from such a large pool it can seem daunting and therefore cause one to feel disinclined to go through the weeding process. One woman, Erica, shared that when her profile was "aired" for the first time on one of the sites, she received 70 responses on the first day. One of the pitfalls of having so many singles available is that committing to one when there could be someone better becomes symptomatic of the epidemic.
Another issue that arises in internet dating is that individuals may misrepresent both how they really appear in person and what their motivations are. When dealing with a website where no one is officially doing the setting up, pictures are not always accurate or honest. One can feel disappointed and even angry when meeting someone who looks nothing like their online photo.
When relying on a profile, there is always room for embellishment and therefore, heightened expectations. It is somewhat paradoxical that one would have a profile on a dating website, and yet not really be ready to settle down. A person who is not calling right away, or who prefers to exchange emails regularly for weeks before making a date may actually be ambivalent about meeting someone. It may be more important for him or her to know singles are out there than to actually take themselves out of the single pool by settling down. The internet, then, becomes a vehicle in which to meet people, but not necessarily for the purpose of marriage.
One needs to have a good sense of self when dating via the internet. There is more rejection than not, much of which comes in the way of no response.Whether initiated by man, woman, or matchmaker, there is no guarantee that an individual will be interested in the person writing to them, or even that they will answer your email.
There are many reasons why this happens. One man I spoke with said that although he wanted to get together with someone he liked, he held onto her phone number until it was too late. He had been waiting for things to slow down at work and they never did. Too much time had passed and she met someone else. Individuals need to know that if people aren't calling, it may have nothing to do with them. Some people are also trying to meet someone through other means and may not check or respond to messages for weeks at a time. Individuals who have difficulty with rejection may find that internet dating is not for them.
For those who have not yet had success on Jewish dating websites, sometimes patience is a virtue. Hundreds of singles have met their life partners on the internet, while others have given up after a few months without success.
Singles need to realize that finding one's beshert does not mean finding a perfect partner. A relationship is about giving of oneself and helping the other to be a better person. Despite the challenges, sites that introduce an intermediary may help by assessing one's level of commitment and/or providing coaching. Internet dating is simply a way to meet someone, a mere introduction. It takes risk, vulnerability and communication to take that introduction to another level and as of yet there is no website for that.
Nancy Karan, CSW is a shadchan for sawyouatsinai.com She has a private practice in Manhattan & Long Island. She can be reached at 516-223-9283
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Monday, September 27, 2004: rshl wrote…
All the authors who wrote about on-line dating just don’t get it- and don’t know the issues. This is especially true of Nancy Karan’s article. She maintains sometimes people don’t check their mail for weeks at a time and this should not be taken by a prospective date as personal rejection. But this reasoning is false because when you send an inquiry on all the dating sites it tells you when it was sent, when it was received and opened as well as when the last time the person was on the site- so the reason for the non-response is “Rudeness! The on-line sites are just concerned with promoting their business- they don’t want you to think it’s your fault so you will keep spending money on their site.