What It Means to be Single on the Upper West Side by Anonymous
I'd like to describe what it's like to be a frum single living on the West Side in your 30's:It means: always having to be 'on.' It's like every Shabbos is a Shabbaton: you go to shul, in part for the davening,but also for the socializing. Everyone dressed to kill, everyone busy looking over their shoulder to see who else they could be speaking to.
It means: going to singles events you really don't want to go to because, you never know. This might just be the event that 'he' is at or maybe someone who knows someone for you is there. So you get all dressed up, do your hair and makeup and put on a great big smile even though all you want to do is cry. Then you go to an event where:
- you invariably end up seeing the same people you saw at the last event.
- it quickly becomes apparent that even though the event organizers gave a specific age range as well as a religious range for the people coming, you see that many people do not fit into either category.
- you have to keep yourself from counting how many 'exes' are in the room.
- you go up and try to charm the hostesses because maybe they'll know someone for you.
It means: having to listen to people tell you, "What's one date, what could it hurt?" when they have no idea how much it can and does hurt. People think they are doing you a favor but the truth is that all of the thought that went into deciding if these two people are appropriate for one another came down to one sentence: They're both single. It would be nice for more thought to go into it than that.
It means: dealing with my family. I love my siblings, I truly do. And I am very happy for each of them and how their lives have progressed. But it gets harder and harder to go to family affairs and be the only single one there. There are times that my feelings overwhelm me and I have to actually leave the room. And as cute and innocent as the kids are, the questions about why I'm not married are difficult. They don't understand, and quite frankly, neither do I.
It means: spending money. An evening event can range in price from $5 to $100 while a weekend event can range from $300 and up. And that of course does not include the transportation costs. Or the clothes. And then there are shadchans who expect $1,800 from both you and the chasan (groom) if they are successful in finding you a match since they figure you or your parents would surely pay anything to have you married.
It means: being amazingly lonely. When you're younger you have lots of friends. Then slowly, they all get married and somehow you still manage to be single.You don't replace those friends by investing the time and effort into a establishing a new set of single friends because, how much longer will you be single anyway and once you're married you'll establish new "couple" friends. What does it all mean? I share this with you, not to gain your sympathy, or even your empathy, but simply to provide a first-hand account of what the singles scene is really like from someone who is still in it.
Click here to leave a comment
Monday, November 15, 2004: anonymous wrote…
Is the single life on the Upper West Side (UWS) for an extended period of time a healthy way to meet one’s spouse? I am not crazy about some of the nonsense associated with the shadchan’s set up world, but I think that going that route there are far less chances of violations of many Issurei Torah that we read about in these pages. Baruch HaShem, I was very lucky to have met my wife—but I did it in a way that many people back in the late 70’s and today would consider unthinkable- I took a gamble on a Motzaei Shabbos and called a young woman in my building on the UWS. We talked for hours and the rest is history. Halevai that many singles either would ask for a set up or if they don’t depend on sets ups, call someone, as opposed to the OZ/JC meat market syndrome.